Gratitude, Schmatitude.

I am washing my dishes. I am so thankful I have dishes, and a dishwasher, and soap to clean, and hot water, and my Scrub Daddy (no, not the Latin lover, but America’s favorite sponge). And I used these utensils to eat healthy food and nourish my body.

What a hook! 

This will sound so simple - that’s the point. This practice allows you to feel grateful for what you have, even for simple things or simple daily life tasks. Reminding yourself of these little things makes all the difference; it is so rewarding. 

We live in an age in which we are constantly hopping from one idea to the next, in search of the next thing, the next greener pasture, the next item to add to cart, the next swipe right (or left), the onto the next, the surge of traffic trying to get from place to place, that we forget to truly feel respect and gratitude for what we have. We forget that all of this, it doesn’t last forever.

Dishes? Yes those will last, but the moment that you have, that is fleeting. We can learn how to feel gratitude and thankfulness for that moment…soapy hands and all.

I am guilty of comparison, of wanting more, but I have been learning how comparison is, or can be, the thief of joy (or so Teddy Roosevelt believed). We crave or desire what others may have, thinking maybe that’s what makes them happy? We all want to be happy, but it doesn't indicate they ARE happy. They may not be experiencing joy or gratitude. We have no idea what goes on in people's lives, behind closed doors, inside their minds or bodies.

When my mom passed away, I was traveling a lot, and people judged. People judged! Whew, if I had known then not to take it personally… But I don’t blame them. I only hope that since then, they have learned empathy. My behavior - partying and traveling - was how I coped. On the outside, people saw I was laughing, shopping, and posting it all on Instagram. In reality, I was figuring out how to call Hoag Hospital and tell them we won’t be paying any more medical bills thank-you-very-much and hang up. Figuring out how to raise my sisters when one parent is literal dust and the other parent is dust in the wind of god-knows-where. Figuring out how to pay a mortgage. Do you like, write a check? Figuring out how to cook for my younger sisters and take care of myself, while my job and my life plans got put on an indefinite hold. No. No. The Judgers didn't see that. But how could they? They were comparing. Their sight was limited. They didn’t understand that life can look vastly different than what it actually is, all at the same time.

They didn’t see me driving in my car alone during rush hour traffic, navigating life without direction, running in the dark trying to lose weight, standing in the shower under streams of hot water, crying. Lots of crying. I was angry. I was hurting. I was in a lot of pain. Some days, I wanted to drive my little blue sports car into a wall. I would grip the black leather wheel. I would tell myself, “It’ll be over with quickly.” And then I’d snap out of my crazed mindset. A couple of times I really did slap myself. Life will be over quickly enough as it is. Keep living. I had a home, a family, a job, two fluffy cutie-pie Yorkies, my friends, food in the refrigerator, and my mom’s porcelain Mikasa dinner plates. We didn’t have much of her left. Some clothes. Some jewelry. Some plates. Life was tough. But I felt grateful for what was left or what was exposed. I shifted my perspective. I became grateful for what I had remaining, even if I had lost a lot.  

So, obviously, I didn’t drive my car into a wall (surprise!). But back in those dark times, I really wanted to. I’m glad I didn’t and I’m glad I can share that with you. I didn’t continue to self-harm through food and drugs and alcohol. I got stronger. I cut some of those so-called friends out of my life. That’s all to say, life can look one way on the outside, but be a wholly different experience on the inside. You just don’t know. 

You may be coveting a new car, a piece of jewelry, a better job, a better relationship or a bigger house or better pay or that your child gets into that special program. Maybe you want to go to the Maldives (*How do I send this idea to the boyfriend’s phone so it appears in his ads?) or finally try for a baby. We covet new or better or more when we believe we deserve that. If you truly deserve higher pay or a bigger home, by all means, have at it. But if you arbitrarily believe you want more or better, first ask yourself Why? What does it truly mean? Plato philosophizes that the “desert” is what you desire, but some people believe something is owed to them, that’s known as entitlement. 

We think we deserve certain marks of achievement, or even happiness. Why do you think you deserve something to be happy? What makes something seem better than it currently is? How will it actually better your life? Why can’t you just enjoy washing your dishes before you think about sitting down to binge “Bridgerton” on Netflix? Why do you need to rush the process? We tell ourselves we deserve to sit down and relax. But reframing means you can also think “I deserve to spend the time to wash my dishes. They are mine. They were dirty. They needed to be cleaned.” The desert is dishes. The desert is also Netflix. The desert is also dessert (preferably ice cream). Please read carefully, as one is unlike the other. Two things can co-exist and still be meaningful. We should seek silence and stillness before turning on Netflix and tuning into our favorite show, or before clicking “Buy Now.” It may help you actually feel grateful for more, without actually doing more. 

We easily forget that we once dreamed of where we are or what we have now. Why aren't you satisfied or satiated now? If you feel full, why isn’t that enough? Why do you keep eating or need that sweet treat? If you can’t find gratitude in washing the dishes, then what makes gratitude more meaningful when you go out to dinner, explore a new hike, win a contest, or get a raise? Those are more meaningful? How does one measure “more” meaningfulness? I implore you to try to find a way to be grateful for small, tiny, miniscule moments of life we tend to rush through or overlook. We neglect small parts that add up to the big picture. I believe most would agree the BIG PICTURE is what everyone seeks from life, ie, happiness. 

So back to washing those white porcelain dishes. How many dishes does this girl have? I am constantly reminded of an example from Eckhart Tolle, in which he teaches about stillness, and enjoying the washing, and being in the present moment and peacefulness. I didn’t get IT at first, but with practice, his messaging makes sense. I can enjoy the task and I am thankful for it because it reminds me of much much more…

It’s a reminder that I have a moment of silence, of stillness, of peace.

It’s a reminder that I have tasks to complete, and, yes, I am thankful for those.

It’s a reminder that I cooked a healthy meal for myself, one that didn’t make me feel gross after eating or “guilty” or shameful. Even when I really wanted to go get In-N-Out, I knew I wouldn't feel GOOD after. It’s a fun meal, but one I don’t enjoy as much as a homecooked, vegetable-packed stir fry. 

It’s a reminder that part of taking care of myself is doing the internal and external work to be disciplined.

Like the TikToks of a closing shift, I, too, like to clean my house before going to bed so I have a tidy space to wake up to. I can greet the day with a clean slate. I take pride in my home, I care for it, I pay for it, and I enjoy it. I have a safe space. No one is sick. No one is moving. I am safe. I don’t want to run away from it. I don't want to escape anymore.

Taking care of my home also gives me purpose. I take care of this body, my soul’s home, and I maintain it. It feels good. I am the caretaker. It's another way of re-framing chores and responsibilities and so-called obligations. I don’t think “Ugh, I need to clean or cook or do the laundry.” I think, “What a blessing I have something to take care of that helps me take care of myself. I have such a beautiful space that’s all mine, that I am secure in, and that I treasure.” 

All of this is to say, there will always be brighter horizons if you let yourself believe your eyes doth prevent you from seeing your own sunlit sky.

There will always be more and more and more if you don’t appreciate and value the ones and twos and threes in your own life. Some days those ones and twos and threes are busy tasks, some days those are setbacks or challenges, some days those are BIG ONES and we need a cuddly friend to pet, or a pint of ice cream to eat, or a warm shoulder to cry on. 

Let’s focus on kindling the flame of gratitude for the ones and twos and threes in our daily lives. Wake up, brush your teeth, start the coffee pot. Just start there. Try stating you gratefulness for those things first. Intentionally. In your head or out loud. Apologies in advance to your partner when you start talking to yourself all the time like I do. #sorrynotsorry 

I suggest that when you open your refrigerator today and see all the ways in which you need more from the grocery store, don’t berate yourself or become angry for forgetting the cheese or the milk or the turkey that you needed to make dinner. Count what you do have. Make breakfast for dinner. Order takeout. Go get the In-N-Out and improvise tomorrow. Forget washing dishes. Tonight it’s paper plates! Because even if the food in your fridge is less than what you require or desire, it’s more than zero. And that, that is something to be grateful for.