When Life Gives You Lemons…
It’s a phrase referenced and repeated throughout history and in pop culture. Some attribute the origin of the saying to a Christian anarchist, but even the famed self-improvement guru of the 20th century, Dale Carnegie, receives credit for pushing the proverb.
To paraphrase, when faced with trouble or misfortune, remain optimistic. Easier said than done. But I really like this one. Not only does it teach a great lesson about grit and fortitude during challenges, but it also reminds me that, when life does offer something sweet to savor it, drink it in, and value the experience. People celebrate the good, but can we also learn to appreciate The Bad?
This week I’ve been listening to a lot of Eckhart Tolle (he’s my go-to for calm and clear life lessons/philosophy) as well as Mel Robbins (she’s a no-nonsense public speaker and life coach). One topic that I keep tuning into is how we label challenges or setbacks as “bad” when these situations may truly help us grow. Rejection is redirection. That old adage, “when one door closes, another door opens” type of thing. Open doors are opportunities, and closed doors complete chapters or help us move along the path meant for us. I’ve talked about “the path” before, as it’s helpful to think of life as a journey of human experience and treat it as such. There are always new topics to study, new adventures to try, new people to meet. So the doors that close are not failures, but rather they shut to make space for other doors to swing open, so that we can keep stepping forward.
I’ve had this talk countless times with my students. We’re sitting at the dining room table, Zooming from a dorm room, or texting after a grade is finally recorded. It goes a little like this:
Me: (enthusiastically) So how did you do on the test on Friday?!
Student: (abrupt, closed off) Not good.
Me: That’s alright! Did you receive feedback? How can we improve? What was difficult and what was easy for you?
Student: (remains frozen in shock).
Why do they react this way? At first, they feel ashamed or mad at themselves for a perceived bad grade. They feel they didn’t live up to their expectations, their parents’ expectations, and their teachers’ standards. I don’t want to make them feel worse. That’s not my job, and that’s not my tactic. Guilt-tripping or criticizing is not helpful nor conducive to improvement. They are shocked because I don’t admonish them. I don’t tell them I am disappointed. I try to understand what happened and how they feel. I want to know how they can improve and then we generate steps together to get them there. So the little lemon that soured their day? A thing of the past. Done. Fini. But not before we take the lesson with us.
You get upset about losing the big soccer game, but you’re not a failure. Even if you practiced and trained, maybe the other team worked hader, had better players, or had more luck. Or maybe they were just better. Does that make your team bad? No. Does that reflect on you being a poor player? No. It happened, it’s done, don’t dwell. But let it teach you how you can do even better next time. Reflect on what you know you can strengthen and lean into that. What an opportunity! Go get In-N-Out and celebrate the effort you did put in - rewards are healthy. Little celebrations make life sweeter. Now I am really craving a chocolate shake and some Animal Fries…
These are many examples of redirection: A college rejects your application, so maybe there’s a class or a friendship on the horizon that you can’t see quite yet, waiting for you. A job offers a raise to one coworker while you get laid off, so maybe there’s a better career path on the road ahead. Take some time off, spend time with friends and your hobbies while you start a new search. Be Bilbo the hobbit! Set off on the unexpected quest! Even relationships are teaching lessons. If they don't work out, it does not mean you’ve failed. At least you did the work (hopefully). Maybe they were only meant to last a season in your life, as people move on, people grow, people stay the same, and some people, they truly change. Don’t take it personally (sorry for the cliche) but it’s true. Lean into it. Learn a lesson.
And now for my final act, let me introduce Beyoncé. How the heck does Beyoncé factor into this discussion one may wonder? Her album Lemonade capitalized on her husband’s supposed infidelity. Now I won’t get into the dynamics of their public personas or what I think, morally, about cheating and airing dirty laundry. But what I will say is that it’s a terrific visual album. She is incredibly artistic and entertaining. She got a little zesty. So if Beyoncé finessed her husband’s dalliances into pop perfection…Is this crazy or terrific? Resentment or revenge? Sour and sweet? Tastes like lemonade to me.
Hey, it looks like you’ve followed me down the rabbit-hole, so let’s get down to business (I’ve been wanting to insert an obscure Mulan reference). I know bad stuff can happen at any time, on any day. We are not immune to BS. We like complaining, ignoring, or getting mad about The Bad Stuff. Let’s try a practical technique. Maybe next time you get hurled a lemon, instead of being a bitter Betty, envision holding that lemon in your hand. I know this is weird but visualization and meditation work, so roll with me. Okay, back to holding that lemon. It fits nicely, doesn’t it? Feel its texture. Smooth, yet kinda bumpy. It’s round…ish. Feels like a…lemon. Duh. If I were to squeeze it and drink the juice it tastes sour, but oh so delicious. My mouth is watering. My lips are puckering. I take a few deep breaths. I’m just going to sit there, holding my lemon. And breathe. In through my nostrils and out through my open mouth. Now I am in the present moment. I am okay, I will be okay, and I will remind myself that the challenge, in this very moment, isn’t harming me and isn’t killing me. I will take what this situation has to offer me and savor it.
I know some people will say that not every challenge is meant to teach us a lesson. Valid point. Noted. However, I’d like to acknowledge that it's your choice to think that way. And that is okay. You can like red, and I can like blue. And, Pete, over there, well he loves green. Who the hell is Pete and who says their favorite color is green?! But we can all exist at the same time. Life does not need to be black and white. So what if you did take every hurdle as a lesson to learn something new? Would that harm you? Or would it always be expanding your vision of the world? Of yourself? Take some time to think about that.
As Mel Robbins likes to say, “Life is a road trip.” What is a little adventure without some bumps along the highway?